The Things that Define Us

Werewolves are out in force. Accidents are piling up along the highway. And I find myself staring into the sky this eve most every chance I get.

I love full moons. I think most of us do -- or maybe it is just me and those related to me (genetics or environment, families have a nice way of liking similar things). But they make you stop and think. About life. About your place. And again, this could all be just me, being powerfully sentient tonight as I wait for the season three opener of "Battlestar Galactica" -- but tonight has me thinking about myself and the choices I make and the path those choices lay out before me.

My old high school had its Homecoming tonight and from what I'd been led to believe, it was supposedly a really fancy do. My alma mater turned 40 this year and it's been a solid decade since I'd last stepped foot on that field. See, I was in the marching band. Trumpet player. That was me, every week. Marching. Playing. Cheering the Vikings (the Vikings, that's what we were called), to victory and more often than naught... heartbreaking defeat.

So tonight, on a football field in a stadium that I can see from my bedroom window, alumni gathered proudly for Homecoming, including several band-alums, and cheered them on and marched again and some probably even played their old instruments like they were 17 again. They gathered under the full moon, remembering the green and gold banners, the cadence of the drum beat, the roar of the crowd... and I saw them. Just as they lined up for the pregame show, awaiting the football teams to finish their warm-ups, I saw them. The high school kids in uniform and more importantly, the alumni -- my peers -- lined up dutifully behind them, ready to once again take that field and march for their school. I saw them as I drove by. Didn't even stop to watch the step off.

Is it wrong that I didn't want to be there?

I can't remember my high school fight song. Or the alma mater. I can't. I'm literally trying right now and it's sad isn't it? I remember my college songs... those I know by heart... but high school has faded for me into some other life that I know I once had... but it feels sometimes like that guy, that gangly trumpet player who ran the music library and went to France once isn't me. He's... well, he's not me. But then I don't live in the past. Remember the post I had about not questioning people about their pasts? Maybe the past to me isn't as important as the present or the future that's fast approaching. But is that a bad thing?

It comes back to me in little spurts... the fight song. I remember being in that stadium and in that uniform and I recall the games, the trips, the music, the crowd, the roar of applause the trumpets received upon playing Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy on a crisp Autumn night. I remember going to dinner with my mates, hanging out before the games and that last night we march across that field as seniors with our emotions running high. I love it all. But it's behind me now, you know?

I guess college eclipsed high school for me rather quickly. I embraced the change of growing up from the 18 year old boy I was freshman year to the 22 year old boy I was when I graduated (and yes, I meant that... I'm only now reaching a point where 'man' is the proper title -- see earlier posts on growing up). So high school became memory. The amount of people from high school that I still talk to? I can count on one hand. But then, and here's what I was just talking to Lucidity about, my life that I have now -- it seems to be eclipsing college. COLLEGE. I loved college. The best four years and all that. I won't go into great detail, but needless to say, it was a period of my life full of defining moments. And yet it was almost five years ago and since that time my life has changed in more ways than I could shake a stick at (I tried writing that last phrase with actual grammar, but it loses its colloquialism when you do that). But now it's... pictures and memories isn't it. Another phase of my life that at one time was the end all be all... Funny thing, there's a college band reunion tomorrow -- same idea as tonight's festivities, only on a grander scale -- and guess where I'm not going to be.

Makes me wonder. When will this life change and fade? Will I want it to? When will I look back on the man I am today and not know him anymore? And who in this phase of my life will continue with me to the next? I'm not speaking existentially here. I'm speaking about the year 2011 and who in my life will still be in my life (there are some this very day I can see knowing until the end of time and I truly hope that's the case -- you know who you are). But five years from now, who will I be? What choices will I make between now and then that will dictate that very answer? And as for company... even though I seem to want to distance myself from high school, and sometimes college, there are people from those worlds that I still keep with me, so I know there are those from this slice of life that will stay on. They are the best friends, the ones I can't imagine life without.

I don't know. It's late and I'm tired and rambling. Other than that, I'm pretty glorious. Just registered my first domain today -- yep, I own a domain, a dot-com -- and, in doing so, have begun what I feel will lead me on a path to the next phase of my life. Yeah, I know it's just a domain, a server somewhere with space set aside for me, and yeah, it only took a few minutes to set it up, but it FELT BIGGER. It felt like... I don't know where it's going, but there's a path forming. Felt like I took a step. It felt good.