I Cough Only to Keep from Sneezing

Somewhere along the way, I forgot how to get over a cold. It's like there was once a skill set in my arsenal that basically consisted of me getting sick and then me taking careful steps to be not sick anymore -- the usual superstitious things like eating chicken soup and wearing a knit cap when the temperature dropped below freezing. And don't forget loads of vitamin C and other such wonder drugs. Because preventing scurvy is a sure way to reduce your chances of being sick. It's true. I think that's why so many older Americans move to Florida and retire amongst the orange groves in their golden years -- figure if you surround yourself and your community with vitamin C, less chance of getting sick; seems like a wise precaution at that point.

But I forget how... how to prevent... and worse, how to cure. And now my throat is raw from coughing and I'm clogged and leaking all at the same time, which isn't as wonderous as I make it sound. If you think about it, the first time you ever got a cold, you know -- when you were an infant -- had to be terribly frightening (this goes along with my theory that the reason no one remembers anything before they were three is because it's a horrifically traumatic time) . I mean, that first cold, the first real sickness -- one minute you're fine and the next you're tired, achy, and you're producing more slime than a slug. It must feel like the end of the world. Heck, sometimes it can feel like that when we're all grown up when you're hit with all the symptoms at once. The coughing, aching, stuffy head, runny nose, and -- AND -- let's not forget sneezing.

Wicked action if you ask me -- like a cruel joke. One enormous body heave accompanied by projectile germs and sometimes some of that slime. Lucidity once told me that a sneeze is the equivilent of 1/7th of an orgasm. Yeah... had a nice sneezing fit this morning... probably seven in a row. Trust me, it didn't feel like an orgasm.

I loathe illness. The fatigue that sets in, the loss of taste because your nasal passage is so preoccupied with leaking your insides to the world to help push the virus around and contaminate everything on which you could possibly breathe (which is almost everything if you really try), and worst of all, there's the coughing through the night. Yeah, I know I ragged on sneezing, but coughing is just as bad. Pretty much any time where I'm ejecting something from my lungs and throat is not my idea of fun. It's no wonder why many people say "God bless you" when you sneeze -- it's because for me, at that very moment, I'm comtemplating how much my soul would be worth to the devil if he'd make the body-heaves go the frack away.

GOD IN HEAVEN --- there's another one. Ow. Six more and I'll have myself quite a Friday night... good, I'm glad you're coming with me on that.

Yes, there are over-the-counter-drugs in my future -- my very immediate and sedated future -- but before I doped myself for a hopefully peaceful slumber, I felt like lamenting on the common cold and why it is the thing that will destroy humanity. You think I'm kidding.