Twitchy

Can't sleep. Want to be driving. Want to be out there... on the road. The wind screaming by and rippling my clothes around me. Cool. Crisp. Just a hint of the coming frost. I want to be driving. I want to be sleeping, but I can't. Too much going through the brain. It's exhausting, but I'm too twitchy to sleep. Too... nervous? Anxious? Hungry? I don't know. No word for the feeling that stirs within.

We're 5 days from opening night. But that's not my worry. That worry belongs to another man. A dear friend. Tonight that is his burden... his insomnia. There isn't much I can do for him—I want to... I've got that loyalty thing going on and sense of following the general into battle—so I will do what I can. I will show up. Smilin' Jack will show up, to be more precise. If more is required, I'm at the ready. This does not phase me. For this is not my worry this eve.

No... many other things prey upon my slumber. Many other things... petty things... Why do people feel that they know everything? Why do they feel the need to sully that which I deem good. Other things that prey... things out of my hands... things not yet beyond my grasp... they have nested in my brain like termites and now they are chewing... I feel it but there's not much I can do.

Been craving a chocolate malt for days now. As if that will cure my ills. But are they ills? I mean, what's really the issue here? What is the crux? That which vexes me terribly? There is an underlying question that seems to be something popping up more and more. And that is simply to ask myself if the things I am doing are making me happy.

And some of them really are. And some of them are not. And so you begin to wonder if the things being done that aren't the happiest are those things which must be done and then I have to ask why I am the one who has to do them. It's a fantastic question. A subpondering of that thought is, what happens if I pursued only those things which bring me joy. Or advance my life in some capacity. Professionally? Personally? What if I were to focus on the things that would better my life and do the things I should be doing... not what everyone expects me to do... or what I expect people expect of me.

Cryptic thoughts on this final day in September. The answers are coming.