Monday, December 24, 2007

Threshold of Revelation, part II

[Note: Much of this was written in the wee-hours after midnight. Then I fell asleep. Then I woke up, finished, and posted.]

It's not worth it. It's really, really not. First of all, the fact that a week has passed between posts is a magnificent tragedy. And yet altogether beautifully poetic with relation to the topic at hand.

Revelation. I keep having one about every day. Sometimes more than one. And they all end up the same. Basically, my life is far too complicated and it's time to uncomplicate it. And that is a sentiment that cannot be realized quickly enough.

And annoyingly, it's tough to blog about major epiphanies and the like without causing issue. The curse of a quasi-anonymous blog is that the part that's not anonymous can get you into trouble if you're not careful. Or if you care too much.

Maybe I shouldn't give a frak. Maybe I should just sit here in my giant red bean bag chair and type everything that's on my mind right now. Like what I'd really like for Christmas. Or how infuriating some people can be over things that should not infuriate me. Nothing, short of cruelty to animals and other humans, should actually drive me to a state where the word fury is part of the word used to describe it.

I mean, it's Christmas. Or just about. Close enough. It's a time for joy and giving. A time for me to relax with friends and family and enjoy some of that peace on Earth and goodwill that's supposedly going around.

But it's not flowing freely these days. There's too much behind-the-scenes drama. Too much happening for me to think straight. Doesn't help that it's late and I'm tired and I still have lots of shopping to do when I wake up on Christmas Eve. Fun times.

So what's not worth it, you're still wondering. Well, hard to actually say it without causing a stir, But let's just say that I'm frustrated right now because of some really stupid shit. Stuff that doesn't matter really when all is said and done. Yes, it matters on some level -- but it's not worth the hassle and torque it's causing; that feeling that I'm frustrated with someone I'd rather not be frustrated with when in all reality, it's the situation that has me on edge. Or maybe it is the person and that's why I'm irritated. I don't know. I just don't like the feeling. That's all I'm saying.

But I have to live with certain responsibilities because I took them on (like a fool who cannot say no). And this causes unwanted tension in my life and makes me question certain commitments. I mean, if something in your life is causing stress and worry and fracturing your connections with the people you care about, is it worth it anymore?

I'm a -- I can't even think of the word. I can't say no to projects. To tasks. To helping. To whatever planning needs to be done, I do it. I'm a task-slut. See, that doesn't flow. That doesn't do it justice. Overall, I'm the guy who is always ready to tackle the next big need without stopping to see how it will effect me.

And it's effecting me. Hence the revelations. The key one of which is that 2008 will be more about writing and less about everything else. Less about all the distractions in my life which make me so busy that a week passes before I can post again. Where I'm so tired that I can barely finish this one because I keep falling asleep.

There are distractions in my life that have me upset with the people I care most about in the world. And why? Because I let it get this way. Too many compromises. Too many retreats. Too many instances where I ignored a problem because it was a friend in the fray.

No more. It stops. The complications need to end. And I know it will not be easy. Because I cannot just start dropping things left and right to uncomplicate the world. That would be bad. For some.

[That's where I fell asleep --- and now I'm awake again.]

It's morning. Christmas Eve morn. I can smell bacon being sizzled in the kitchen. Zubov's awake then. Kirby is undoubtedly off to work, and probably grumbled there since me and Z have the day off (for very different reasons).

Just reread what I'd written in those wee hours last night. For the sake of cohesive thought. And it holds up. It does. Something has to change. Been saying that for a while now. Talking about answers and change and how my life is at some turning point, or if it's not, I can see it fast approaching.

It's like I'm on some runaway train. It's barreling through the dessert like in an old Looney Tunes cartoon and up ahead I can see the split in the tracks. One direction leads to some type of happier existence and one leads to one of those broken bridges that scares the cartoon shit out of Yosemite Sam. And right now, I feel like I'm aiming for the bridge. I can see the switch though. It's coming up fast and I've got my shovel ready to trip the frakker and switch my track and speed off towards Paradisio.

But I'm left wondering about that other track. What's along that path that I'm so anxious to drop. If that is the path of distraction -- what constitutes a distraction?

See, I've been praising the coming of change when in all reality, it's not exactly a comforting switch. Yes, I believe that bringing about a massive paradigm shift is what the doctor ordered -- that certain things have to happen now if I'm ever going to succeed as a writer and be able to look back and say that I gave it a shot.

There's this song I'm particularly fond of these days. It's called "On Your Porch". And there's a line where he says, "And if I fail well then I fail but I gave it a shot". I know, sitting here in my bed under my NAP blanket, enjoying the wafting scent of bacon through the vents, that I have to give it a shot. Or I won't be happy. That track towards Paradisio -- that's giving it a shot. And that's not to say it's a smooth track. No guarantees that it's not actually a rougher course to take. But not trying -- well, hopefully you now get my simile. It was actually supposed to be a metaphor, but I said the word "like" so many times, I think I bastardized it into a simile. That, or it's the valley-girl's metaphor.

I almost chuckled at my own really lame joke.

Wow. It's later than I'd hoped. 10:00 a.m. here and I'm wasting daylight. There are presents to buy. Gifts to wrap. Tracks to change. I think the first of many changes coming is that I'm going to start speaking up. Okay, okay, I know you're kind of wondering how I could possibly talk MORE, but trust me -- talking is just talking. Speaking one's mind is different. We say lots of things just to say them. I need to start restraining myself when it comes to useless chatter and actually spout off thoughts that mean something. And I think, if I can truly do it, I will surprise people. For in the world in which I live, I'm the diplomat. To some, I'm a leader. Can I still lead and say what needs to be said.

My mind now travels to a play I wrote. The one that's going up on a stage in just under three weeks. "Separation Anxiety". And one of the themes of the show is that we never really say the things to each other that we need to say. And one of the characters says to the other "And that's not friendship, that's just polite."

I think I'm sort of tired of being polite. Been polite for most of my life, if not the whole thing. And more often than not, I'll come through a moment or situation where I don't speak up. I don't say what needs to be said. I bite my tongue because of what other people might think if I spoke up. Like I said, I shouldn't give a frak. Truth is truth and yeah, it might sting. It might hurt me and others. But frak it. Being polite is stressful and causes nothing but problems. Well -- the "polite" I'm talking about does that. Not saying I'm gonna morph into some prick who steals lunch money and makes snide comments about everyone. That's rude.

I'm just saying that that there are too many instances this year where I kept my mouth shut. Where I didn't stand up for a friend. Where I didn't stand up for a group of colleagues. Instances where I had every opportunity to just stop everything and take a stand. Instances I let pass by because I was too distracted to see what needed to be done until it was too late.

That stops now. This is my stand. My paradigm shift. Big words, I know. A lofty goal, trying to change years of habit in one day. But then hey, it's Christmas. And in looking at the ghosts of my past, it's clear that something's gotta give. Change needs to be taken by the horns on this one. Take the shovel to the switch. Change the track.

It's like metaphorical chaos there, but you get the idea.

So first thing's first. Need to get up and see if there's any bacon left. Then I need to head out into the mass hysteria that is "last minute shopping" and procure material objects that I could just as easily give out on a random day in March instead of a day of mass organized gift exchanging.

I'm really not that cynical about Christmas. I'm just not looking forward to shopping on Christmas Eve. Which, yes, is my own frakkin fault for waiting until the last minute. But as my good buddy PapaJoe always says, "If you wait until the last minute, it only takes a minute." He's like a zen master, that one.

I think this closes the posting on revelation. I'm not done with it or anything -- being here at the threshold... nope, still here. Just need to sign off, get to my Christmas shopping, eat something before I snark someone's head off, and in the grandest sense of the phrase, take a deep breath. And relax.

I hope to get in a couple more posts this year. At least one with the whole looking back motif. 2007 has been extremely wild overall. From the height of the Pacific to the depths of Everest. And yes, I know that seems backwards, but trust me. If you know the song that comes from, it sounds better this way (though that song really has nothing to do with anything in my life this year... I just like the phrase).

Wishing you all a joyous Christmas that's stress free and filled with friendship. Don't let the distractions keep you from enjoying the most important things in life. If I can follow my own advice on this one, I'll have given myself quite a wonderful gift indeed this holiday season.

P.S. I got this cool pic from Babs.

1 comment:

  1. Two of my favorite quotes:

    Don't take anyone else's definition
    of success as your own. --Jacqueline Briskin

    I stopped writing when I felt that I'd given my best shot and lost. Years later, I realized it wasn't my best shot. I've moved on to other things, but in wee small hours the thought gently intrudes, what if I hadn't quit. Don't ever have to ask yourself that question. - Jack Feather

    ReplyDelete

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