Sunday, April 13, 2008

The Things We Never Tell Each Other

It looks dreary outside. I think it's raining. Or it will be. I can't blog about it. What I'm thinking. What I'm feeling. You ever get that? I'm sure we all do. That weird sense that you have something to say but you don't know how or even to whom you might want to say it?

Nonsensical musing on a Sunday morning in Ohio are brought to you by some self-realization that perhaps this growing up thing is much harder than I expected. And no, before anyone thinks anything, I am not posting today in seek of pep talks or encouragement that I really am a super cool guy. Today's just one of those days when you look around and...

The harsh light of day. I like that phrase. And normally I'm a very "look on the bright side" guy with the neverending optimism and all that. And it's still there. It is. Today it's just fighting ten rounds with reality, doubt, and a skosh of terrified mixed in.

I don't hardly ever post about things that aren't wonderfully fantastic. Sure there were dramatic postings in the past that revolved around downsizings and the end of a relationship that up until the end I thought was solid... but those now seemingly mundane things are the grittiest I ever get. I get this overwhelming feeling that it's wrong on all levels to admit on a blog that I might not feel 100%. That I could maybe perhaps be worried. Or stressed. Or, God forbid, scared of something.

And then you have to ask yourself... what's the point of having a blog if you're not going to use it to express the full spectrum of your emotions? Now... let's step back and understand that I'm not advocating a completely filterless society. Or a filterless me. No... we have filters for a reason. It's softens us to the world outside.... makes us all seem a bit more manageable.

You don't know what other people think. I don't. I never do. Rubbish at reading people and I have a horrible habit of thinking I know when I obviously couldn't. I ... have lost this sentence in my head. Something just shifted again. It's hard to write in a stream of consciousness mode when you thoughts feel jumbled. Like the stream is breaking off in too many directions. Or too polluted to see to the bottom.

His tail feels soft against my arm as it bats me. Apollo. He's fantastic, by the by. Curled up on the couch next to me. That's why I love certain animals. We know each other pretty well by now. He's my cat. And I'm his person.

The day is rapidly passing by. The hall clock is not afraid to announce that fact quite loudly today.

Now I'm just stalling... I have things to do. Other writing. Planning. Just... things. And yet I haven't figured out how to say what I want to say. Not on here anyway. Do have any idea how irritating that can be? To know in your head exactly what't on your mind, but there's a filter that keeps it in check. Keeps it from everyone. But again, sometimes a filter keeps the peace. Or at least keeps the status quo. But then, is that what I want? The status quo? Shouldn't we seek for something better than that?

The window has beckoned to Apollo and he perched himself on the sill. A sill that once held a small kitten now amusingly supports a beast of a feline. He doesn't all seem to realize that he's grown up. But then is my cat. So I guess that sorta fits now doesn't it?

1 comment:

  1. We should all have a forum, friend or sounding board to share all of our thoughts with - without the need to be filtered. Without others replying with unsolicited advice or opinions. Just a place or person to vent to and be heard. Really listened to without judgment, misunderstanding or recourse.

    And I believe it's necessary to have days like this - where you run the gambit of feelings, in order to keep or gain perspective. ALL feelings are good.

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