To the Bone

Ever been chewed out by someone you consider family? Or even by family? There are a few ways that situation can effect you. Either you get pissed about it and fight back. Or you ignore it. Or you're like me in that moment and feel your stomach turn (and not in that good way). You feel your flesh start to burn and every last bit of you wants to cry out for it to stop.

Because you know you deserve it.

You know that, even if inadvertantly, you hurt or upset or made someone feel like shit. And so it comes back upon you ten-fold. Maybe you didn't mean it. Maybe you could have handled a moment differently. Maybe it was a misunderstanding.

But you didn't. And it wasn't. But that makes it worse, doesn't it? To not even know when and how your actions strike at the ones you love. To find out how much you really cut them, only in retrospect. Cuts you back. Cuts you deep. Hurts. Because in that moment you realize something.

I realized something.

I'm not very nice.

Sure, I can play the part. But right now I feel like a prick. No, wait... then I wouldn't feel so bad. I don't even know what I'm trying to really say here. Just seems that every so often I lose touch with the people I don't ever want to lose touch with. My words and actions don't back-up any claims I might have made with regards to loyalty or simple human respect.

I wasn't trying to be rude. Or a dick. And yes, this was a situation that I should have handled differently. And I could blame it on stress. Got enough of that right now. I could blame on miscommunication. I could blame it on lots of things. But in the end, you can't push blame away. The things we do to the people we care about... there aren't excuses for treating them with anything less than respect. A bad day or stressful week or a moment of utter confusion and panic... nothing should ever surpass the bonds we make with people. I've been snappy lately, and there might be reasons... but there are no excuses.

We all make our own personal Hell and I've found a new version of mine. The one where I realize that I'm not a terribly great person... not as much as I'd like to be. And that just sucks when you finally realize it. Realize that you cut someone to the bone and didn't even know deep you'd cut.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I treated you without respect. Without the consideration I say you deserve. I say things... but then I don't show them... I don't act the way I should. I didn't tonight. I am sorry that I'm not the better person between us. I am sorry that I never realized until this evening just how much I can take advantage of you.

I am sorry.

[Note: The person to whom this applies knows who they are. I'm not posting anymore about this and don't ask what happened or any of that 'cos I won't say. They might. Me, I just wanted to post. Sometimes you just need to write it out. This was one of those times. It'll be cool. I just need to pay more attention to how I treat people. I haven't been very good at it lately.]